Stepping in as a substitute Satan isn’t an easy gig. But god willing (or not), the required experience from teaching in middle schools will see you handle the throngs of maligned souls with ease.

The first step is to assert yourself with a dominant voice. It’s important not to scream— but to maintain a steady projection unto the unwashed masses. The damned are particularly persnickety about oration and you’ll find they respond to a resonant baritone. In the event you’re a tenor, I’d advise you to run to the nearest exit and hope you aren’t split down the middle like the check on a bad date.

The second step is to catch the eye. The outfit is crucial to holding attention as you address the crowds. Capes are niche, but acceptable. While overalls, cargo shorts, and cardigans are strictly off limits. It wouldn’t do to see the paled legs of a demonic overlord in the flames of eternity.

Third step— adhere to the name list and don’t forget earned titles. Forget that Gorgoth is the “Destroyer of Worlds” and you’ll have a bad time. Same goes for fanciful titles and affectations. It might not seem that Jerry Llewelyn is the “Space Pirate of the South” but he somehow earned it— and it would be polite to not pile on additional misery by just calling him Jerry.

Overall, the gig is twelve hours or less, as the trip to Buffalo Wild Wings won’t last all day. That being said, prepare for a transportation buffer if Satan decided to brave LA traffic.