I stood between the front and the backyard with the house in front of me. Inside on the kitchen floor was the father of the bride, Mark.

Amelia was standing in the backyard with friends still laughing and drinking. Andrew her soon to be husband was in the front yard sitting down with his head in his hands.

Two scenes played out— separated by the house. Knowledge and ignorance— and this underlined the bliss of ignorance.

I’ve been standing in the kitchen next to Mark talking and drinking when he suddenly stopped and looked around with confusion or panic and then fell to the floor. It was as if the the mortal light switched had been flipped off.

Later huddled around a fire out in the rain with the rest of the party goers we watched the red and blue lights of the paramedics flash against the cloudy night sky.

I had never watch someone die before. I don’t know how to mourn someone I didn’t know until a couple hours before their death. But I have dreams of screaming in frustration and I wake to find myself balling my fists.

In the waking hours I feel a calm that I don’t trust— and I wonder when I’ll let loose an honest howl.