This weekend I failed forward. I was out at my coaching license course getting ready to demo my training session for the instructors and fellow coaches when the script was switched. Up until that point, all of the sessions had been run with coaches serving as players in the drills. I had that in mind as I created my session— the style of play, field space, numbers, etc

Enter seven u10 girls from one of the instructor’s teams. Not only was it not the eleven players I needed to run my drill, but the report I had built with my fellow coaches was out the window as I had seven new children in front of me. I had to switch the drill on the fly and interact with kids (which I wasn’t prepared for).

It was pretty disastrous. I stepped back from coaching— the players themselves didn’t have much success, and I felt like all the coaching experience I did have disappeared into the wind.

I couldn’t ask for a better scenario to learn from. Not only did it force me into an uncomfortable situation, but it clearly showed me things I need to work on. Stepping back from the players because I wasn’t prepared to interact with them isn’t a luxury I’ll have if I stay in coaching or education. There will always be scenarios in which new players or students, classes, teams, etc will need coaching from me in hurried circumstances.

I love soccer. If you know me or have read through my website, you’ve probably known that for a while now. But when it comes to the competitive soccer world, it’s been hard to shake the feeling of not belonging. I know the game—I love the game. I have an obscene amount of niche knowledge of players, teams, play styles, and numerous factoids. But it can be difficult at times to express that knowledge succinctly.

Really, it’s that I’ve had a severe case of imposter syndrome, and my demo yesterday felt like being found out. Only it wasn’t the end of the world. I went on to finish the day gaining new skills and knowledge. I left the field where the session took place and rushed back over to the east side of the town to coach two games for the U19 boys. A 3-3 draw and a 4-0 win weren’t bad ways to alleviate the post-lesson witches brew of feelings.

Learning can be a vulnerable process, especially when one's identity is wrapped up in it. The emotions tendriled around principles one is forced to cut away can be devastating.

I wonder in what ways I’ll grow as I continue along this lightning-forked path of coaching. What avenues will be pruned as I decide to carry forward in specific directions.