Years ago when I was at the beginning of being a young man I worked 13 major holidays in a row. I lost the feeling of magic for Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, etc. As I walked through the shopping center today in my tiny town on my distant island— I heard Christmas music and for the first time in years it brought me some joy.

Afterwards I’d walk to the top of my two story parking garage that I always park on and look up into a dark night sky searching for a little pinpricks of light. The wonder of being intertwined is a heavy confusion as you remember and forget and remember again that you can never be separate from the world. That through no force known you cannot be separate from the universe.

The same person who stops to think the sauce is the same as the one that snuggles in to a rats nest of blankets on a futon on the floor to watch zombie movies after a school day. The same person that limped over to the post office because I can’t figure out what the fuck is wrong with the muscles in my left leg is the same person that walked into the grocery store without picking up a basket and still ended up getting too much stuff anyway.

Are used to be good at underline in the personal responsibility that we have to take in this life – it was borne out of scrapes with death. Memento mori became a rallying cry as I strode into the unknown. But we all do. We all walk into the unknown – even if we don’t wanna think that it is.

But I didn’t realize the personal responsibility also needs to tie in to the responsibility of viewing yourself with the worthiness for love. For affection. For friendships that extend past hello and drunken hangouts.

You have a responsibility to yourself and the people you love to also view yourself as being worthy of love. Otherwise it’s not gonna cut it. The improvements lean toward sadism if you’re unwilling to be tender. The advice becomes criticism.

So I think about that young man that works through all those holidays and then I remember newfound friends waiting to start dinner on Thanksgiving for me. I remember beginning to cry in the doorway and realizing others saw something in me worth loving. I realized being cruel to yourself does not protect you from future harm.

Pain is not weakness leaving the body. It’s not leaving the body if you keep chasing to put it back in. But when you take a breath— when you stand under some distant stars and breath in. When you let yourself enjoy this precious time— in whatever form joy shows itself to you – let it in.