Claws

The adage "Ain't no laws when drinkin' claws" turned into a loophole legal defense as Samantha Bixby tore through the heart of downtown Portland.

The stress of working for a high powered shoe company directed her towards liquid comfort. White Claw seized the hard seltzer market from Zima and never looked back. Sorority girls, homemakers, and non-alcohol enthusiasts found themselves bound together under the banner of White Claw. The bright white cans held the power of bad decisions and legal immunity. It wasn't until the legendary bachelorette party of Samantha Bixby that the public learned the extent of the rallying cry "Ain't no laws when drinkin' claws."

It was at the start of the night after an opening salvo at Mary’s strip club that Samantha and her posse discovered the miraculous loophole. They had just exited the club when they jaywalked across Burnside street during a green light. A traffic cop flashed his lights, but stopped when he spotted the cans in the party’s hands. Sam’s eyes lit up with a devilish understanding— and her night took a debaucherous turn.

As long as Sam maintained possession of a filled Claw at all times, she operated within a gray area of legal immunity. She rallied the girls behind her and they soon started tearing through the city like a locust through fresh crops. A band of cops trailed the group, waiting for them to drop their cans and immunity. It wasn’t until Sam’s bridesmaid, Ginger, tried tickling a male stripper and dropped a can that the first person in the party fell victim to a flying tackle and handcuffs. Sam retaliated by duct taping full cans into the left hand of every member of the bachelorette party a la Edward Fortyhands.

The events of the night started piling up in a scorched earth manner that would have rivaled the coke fueled binge by Charlie Sheen during his “tiger blood” stage. The local media broadcast that followed her moves soon found itself on the national stage as the public began a plea to the White Claw company to come and stop Samantha themselves. They argued that her Godzilla level destruction (vandalized parks, wrecked cars, rampant ass slaps, etc) were all the company’s fault. When attempted to reach for a statement— silence hung in the air. The public learned what young men in war do once they cross the breach— there’s no cavalry coming to save you.

Ultimately, it took thirty seven hours and fifty five cans of White Claw to slow Samantha Bixby down. She disappeared into the Shanghai tunnels below Portland after discovering a hidden speakeasy in one of the Chinatown clubs. The rest of her bachelorette party were found to be innocent of the charges they faced, but new legislation was brought forward to invalidated the now infamous “Ain’t no laws when drinkin’ Claws,” adage that saw an untoward level of mayhem.

Legend has it, you can hear the cackles of seltzer filled madness if you explore the tunnels alone. May mercy find your soul if a Claw filled hand appears in your eyesight.