“But are you lonely?”

I’m on an island halfway across the world from my friends and family talking to a girl I’m not official with and probably will never be. Switching between two languages and using a mobile dictionary every couple minutes.

Asking if I’m lonely is the equivalent of opening the glass case to the Red Button and giving it a good jab.

Am I lonely? “That’s a difficult question,” I said. “I’m far away from all my loved ones on Christmas. Of course I’m lonely.”

A blunt needle plunging through the thin skin that surrounds my heart. Am I lonely?

Only if I’m being honest with you.

What a terrible, humanizing answer. To a question that makes people cringe when they hear it. I’ve seen naked tightrope walkers less direct than that question. You can slip the question with obfuscation— but that’s telling.

Or— you face it down the barrel. Because we’ve equated loneliness with violence or misery. Or maybe it’s just the cinematic reference that fit best. Almost a Dirty Harry line, “face down the barrel of loneliness, you double tapping, no rope-walking, still clad, conniver.”

I’ve broken up on Christmas. I’ve received an attempted suicide note. I’ve received texts and emails of unrequited love (or maybe just terrible timing). I’ve often fidgeted on Christmas and the days leading up to it in years past.

But this year felt like I took it off completely. I went to work. Walked in the cold, but sunny weather. Sat at a desk for two hours and read the final book in the Malazan Empire series by Steven Erickson. I talked to some coworkers. Discovered the impish delight that is kewpie spicy mayo. Ate some Christmas cake, drank some white wine, and watched the Barbie movie on HBO.

Not exactly the chaotic christmases of the past. Even the insistence push for an answer about loneliness (more a language based thing for the correct response to a question than the content) still felt relaxed. The fate of the world wasn’t on the line. No loves being lost. Just a lazy day where the majority of it I played as a simulated version of Valencia in the 2035 La Liga season and Champions League— trying to secure a continental title for Los Ches for the first time.

I wonder if loneliness changed. Or if my relation to it within myself has changed.

Because I can admit to it— I can feel the desire to want to be in the company of loved ones. But I also enjoy the moments I have here while I have them. It’s taken the better part of a year and a half but I’ve come to a peaceful exchange with solitude.

Some days are Christmas. And some days you vie for the title of European champion on a simulated soccer game. And some years— those are the same day.