Was ist so Nur

“What is so only?”

”That sentence doesn’t even make sense.”

”What does it mean when you say “you only like me for my beauty?” As if there haven’t been wars started over it. As it the great pursuits and inventions of time haven’t gone towards attaining it. What is so only? What is the only that is everything?”

Lingonberry

There’s a backlog of headaches I’m waiting to sift through. Most people would describe them as Christmas cards. But most people don’t have overzealous Scandinavian relatives who insist on overnighting them packages of lutefisk and handpicked lingonberries they’ve tried to jam.

When I first left to the west coast, I thought I’d be free of Aunt Ida’s culinary concoctions.
I was wrong. Horribly, miserably wrong. At first I was able to pawn the mystery dishes off on my newfound friends, but as they wised up, they learned to steer clear of my outstretched, gift laden arms.

Sno

“There he is. Looking like a ragged Inspector Gadget. Can’t believe they’ve let you back in here.” Angela said. The Snohomish police chief stared at a Luke Bentler in disappointment. He had been her brightest pupil before a disastrous accident put him in the hospital for six months. He hadn’t come back the same.

Kali

“Vast and merciless, she was. The skies broke open before her and ash rained down upon the masses. Her figure wreathed in flames stretched across the sky,” The old man said.
Five young boys sat before him rapt with attention.

“What happened next?” Asked the youngest.
“A great many things— but it’s led to you sitting here before me.”

Copper

The beast awoke with a sigh— the mountains trembled and the townspeople lit candles in their dark homes. A lone sentry stared at the snow capped peaks that sat above the village. He rubbed the faded copper talisman his brother had left him before his expedition to the southern lands. The emblem of a crouching wolf was worn away from worry. No spears, guards, or trained animals would stop the horror that lived below the mountain. Not if it wanted to step back into the sun.

Running

It felt like the first true day of spring. It could have even been the buffer between spring and summer as I walked with sunshine streaming down overhead. My knees ached as I struggled through a small run. I had sat in an exam room earlier that day and talked about medical history with my new doctor. We discussed the heart problems and history of dementia that runs in my family. I didn’t speak on my fears that both may catch up to me in time.

I let my mind drift as I wandered through inner southeast without any electronics dominating my attention. No music to quell the running thoughts. No scrolling to temper insistent questions. I put extra miles onto my callused feet and thought about how we can change the things we don’t want to do. I had been exhausted from traveling across the country and immediately returning to coaching soccer and teaching. I had forgotten that I could take more time off. That I didn’t need to pack my schedule if I didn’t have the energy to see it through. I felt guilty as I meandered through the tree covered route— but I let that go as I thought about how liberating it was to do something independent of a fixed schedule.

I’d grown tired of the things that gave me energy. Or I thought that without initial energy and enthusiasm, it wasn’t worth my time to go on my runs or read inspiring pieces. I had forgotten the simple nature of ingesting good things. I’d forgotten that I need to push myself in a myriad of ways— and not just exist on the track that my schedule had defined. I read Joan Didion’s book on writing and then forced myself into that run. I stretched afterwards and listened to a podcast on the intricacies and many forms of love. I remembered that a certain amount of pain and effort goes a long ways towards maintaining balance.

There’s no epiphany in this piece— no “gotcha!” moments in which the secrets of the universe were revealed to me. Or even that anything inherently new was either. Instead, I came across well worn advice and habits that had served me before and will serve me again. The hardest being— you have to do things that are difficult in order to grow. And difficult is relative to each person. My difficult will be worlds away from your own. But I’m willing to bet that hitting the things that scare you head on will make the difference between feeling fulfilled and not.

There is no second go around. No reruns of this show. We get one go of it. Remembering that and pairing it with the kindness and grace that it’s the same scary reality for everyone else can go a long way.

Port

I drifted into the sea atop an old carved door. It had barred me entry to the captain’s chambers— and now I clung to it like a cub. The water beneath stretched to the bottom edge of the sky. We weren’t supposed to stop in Tortuga. Not with the reputation that Captain Jain had earned.

Slice

‘“You have fancy hair,” the young boy said to the substitute teacher as he filled in the coloring sheet. The teacher mumbled a confused “thanks” and kept looking through the attendance sheet. He didn’t know if he’d have the energy to survive another day with Kowalski twins. Especially if they discovered their stash of Redbull cans they hid on the playground.

Honkey

“He stole my monkey, so fuck him.”

”Tiffany, I don’t think Brad intentionally took Remi from you. The lease at the apartment was up and you were still in Boca!”

”He could have brought him to me after I got back then! Can’t believe he’d have the audacity to break up with me and take back his Christmas present. He’s such a diva.”

Mac Lincoln

“I’m not Paul Newman. There are no salad dressing deals for fifty year old cock,” Mac said as he twisted the cherry stem over his old fashioned.

“You’re telling me that no one has approached for deals outside of your films? That’s crazy. You were the hottest thing the Valley had in the 90’s.” Paul said. The two men watched a bedazzled dancer twist around the pole. Neither of them kept their eyes on her for long as the drinks sweated onto the table.

”How did you get your start? Did you go straight to California after high school?” Paul said. Mac laughed at looked at the new dancer entering the stage. She had a storm of pink hair and silver tights.

“A woman in a Berlin sex club came up to me, grabbed my cock, and told me I’d do a lot of good with it. That’s where it all started for me.”

”And you thought— she knows what she’s talking about. I’ll go star in porn movies and become one of the biggest names in the industry.”

“I don’t know about that. But once destiny has a hand down your pants, it’s hard to run away from it.”

Island

Walking along a dark road on the island road in Ometepe— hearing the ragged puttering of an old motorbike ease up behind me. Sweat turning cold as it slid down my back. Fists bunched in the way the inexperienced do. I had never fought anyone before, but I was ready to go primal if the motorcycle man was going to jump me.